Angry Pregnant Ramblings

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Can someone please explain to me how anyone, man or woman, can stray away from responsibility? Until this day I could not even fathom that thought. This is a low blow for me to post these conversations but in all honesty, I am too angry to care at this point in time.

This person, if you could call him that, is out there to make me seem unfit and crazy, like I’m the one who was always going after him. He even had the audacity to say that I got pregnant on purpose to trap him into staying with me. There is absolutely nothing this guy could offer me that was tempting enough to impregnate myself and trap him. Dud.

It wasn’t a one night stand, it wasn’t a random hook-up. At least not on my end. I genuinely came to care for this person in the short time we dated. I was irresponsible and reckless. No condom. No precautions. My fault, indeed. I should have taken that extra step to care for my safety. So what the hell was I thinking? Point is, I wasn’t thinking.

Calling me names. Turning me into a psychotic fling. What good is that doing you? God sees ugly. My soul is clean. I clean my hands of this once and for all.

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I’m confused- I don’t know what to feel, how to act, or even what to say.
I am lost- I don’t know in which direction to go or even how to find my way.
My words are like dust in the wind with little affect on anything else around.
I lay alone and in silence, no one is by my side, not even a hint of sound.
You made me laugh and smile but there were times you’ve made me sad and cry.
Left alone only to wonder, why … just why.
You made me crazy – you made me want and need you more and more each day.
There wasn’t much I could do to change life’s course except to sit back and watch life play.
My walls were built so high up that my heart was caved in.
Opened, carefree, loving – all this and so much more that I should have been.
We shouldn’t judge based on a single mistake.
Instead we should be aware and fully awake.
A lot more lies within us, around us – so let’s focus on the good.
Let’s laugh and smile and enjoy all of life’s wonders, as we should.
Don’t give up on us, don’t walk away from me.
Because with you is the only place is want to be …

A Letter to The Father

Dear Mr. Dad,
Although you neglect your duties as a father I cannot blame you. You are weak and I will not kick you while you’re already down. I want you to know that he will continue to thrive without you in his life. Maybe one day you will finally see him as something more and have a sudden urge to get to know him. That day may come too late. I’m not a monster and I won’t hold him back from the truth, but I will protect him from harm, even if that harm turns out to be his own “father“. This is a promise, not a threat.

What I Am

I consider myself a very strong willed person but at times I fall weak to my own thoughts. I have had some very irrational perceptions on love and how relationships should work. I have been the victim of my own illusions. Perfection is what we believe it to be and I have set my standards and goals so high that when I do not reach that ultimate level, I begin to crush my own self. And that is what makes it so unhealthy.

I believe myself to be a hopeless romantic. I always hope for that one person to sweep me off my feet; the perfect one for me. It wasn’t until I had my first child that I truly knew the meaning of love. Everyone I have met so far has been an illusion, a slice, of what I truly want to find in a life partner. I’ve turned a blind eye to too many mistakes and flaws that, eventually, led to the demise of the relationship. My children are a reflection of who I am and so my partner should also be someone who, I feel, could reflect me and better me as I can do the same for him. Because, after all, a relationship is a partnership … Hopefully a long-term one at best.

I have much to work on within myself before I set out to find that perfect one for me. I don’t want to be the one holding someone back from their potential and I surely wouldn’t want for someone to hold me back from becoming a better me. For the first time in a long time I feel as though I have a clear mind and it feels so revitalizing. My main purpose in this life will always remain clear, however, and that is to be the best mother to my sons. Everything else I do in life will just be a reflection on that purpose.

I am a mother. I am a woman. I am a dreamer. And now I will become a doer.

Was Blind, Now I See

If you dress well you tend to feel better about yourself. I find this to be very true. How you look reflects on how you feel about yourself from the inside, out. It is all about confidence, my friends. And instead of negatively criticizing one another we should really learn to appreciate everyone’s own unique style and image.

Size shouldn’t be an indicator for beauty. There is such a huge difference between someone who is sloppy and just doesn’t care about how they look and someone who is big but does what they can to contour their image to fit their body. I was a big girl judging other big girls but guess what, that was due to my own insecurities. I’m doing what I do to better myself and become a healthier, more happy me. You can’t get anywhere in life by judging others while your flaws are still at large, no pun intended.

I am amazed by the different levels of ignorance and stupidity that surround people today. When did we become so focused on artificial beauty? If this is how the majority of us see the world’s beauty then I say the happiest of us are among the blind community because they are able to see with their hearts. It isn’t them who are born in darkness but us who are born in light yet cannot see the true potential of others and our surroundings.

Dirty Laundry

I am so sick and tired of hearing how guys/girls always try to bash their ex-partners to make themselves look ‘bad.’ Excuse me for a few minutes, folks, because I am about to sound very ratchet as I speak about this subject.

Viewer discretion is advised.

There may be a few ex boyfriends that I am not so very keen of but there was also a reason I dated them to begin with. It is true that someone you once shared such passion with can one day become a complete stranger. Does that give you the right to speak so ill of them? I don’t necessarily think so, even if they are the ones who began this battle. Don’t stoop down to that level because once you hit the dirt, it will be a long way back up to the top.

If you do, however, want to air that dirty laundry to the public just make sure that what you are saying holds value. What does that mean? Instead of false rumors just speak the truth. I am sure the satisfaction of knowing that you can honestly call someone out is much more riveting than a sleazy lie to make yourself sound like the good guy.

What if you’re the bad guy? Well, then, my friend it is time to reevaluate yourself and what you have to offer others and to yourself. Don’t continue down that slump of being a bad person. Give your ex a chance to see that maybe they have been the one to miss out on something good underneath those tacky layers. I’m a firm believer that if you want to change then you are the only one with the power to do so.

Don’t get so bitter to the point where you have to talk so much nonsense about another person to feel good about yourself. Do you know what that makes you? A coward who hides behind lies because you know it is truly you that you are ashamed of.

Respect. Forgiveness.

Not everyone deserves your kindness. Sometimes the best medicine you can give someone so sick is quiet. Simply just stay away and learn that by doing so you are also saving yourself from contamination. I realized this a little later on but I am very happy to know that I made it happen for myself. I always believed in giving people chances; chances to prove themselves, chances for a change, chances to make amends. I’ve never done the

three strikes, you’re out

because I know everyone is susceptible to mistakes, and many of them. I never once thought my decision to give someone a fighting chance was actually me taking a stab at my own back, however. That’s what happens when you give someone unworthy a fighting chance.
Respect is a beautiful thing that can be easily ruined and dirtied. I have tried very hard to respect others, although they clearly hold no value to themselves. My father is a forgiving man and he taught me to forgive others for all of their wrong doings. My grandmother is a master at holding grudges and she taught me to never forget what people have done to wrong you. You can’t take away what is said and done. I will forgive but I won’t forget. But I’m not my grandmother so I won’t hold any grudges. I’m better than that.

Parenting

What defines a parent? Is it from the moment the male sperm hits the female egg? Is it from the moment the child is born? There are many different opinions on this one particular topic of parenting.

For me, personally, what makes you a parent isn’t based on a fertilized egg or the birth of that baby. To become a true parent you must be there for that offspring physically, mentally, emotionally, and endlessly. There is no limit to what a parent is and what a parent does. And if you ever find yourself in a predicament where you have to choose between the wellness of you or your child, remember to put your child first.