Hello, Is It Me You’re Looking For?

For so long I have been searching for the me I thought I knew.

Have you ever pondered for so long about who you are as a person? What makes me so special and unique? What separates me from them? Who am I as a person or individual? Where do I begin and us start? I’m beginning to wonder if I ever really knew myself at all. Does anyone ever know anyone, especially one’s own self?

I remember when my father used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I mean, that was such a normal question to ask young kids; what do you want to be when you grow up? I’m pretty sure I had a different answer every few years. When I was five I wanted to be a Nun. When I was seven I wanted to be a teacher. When I was ten I wanted to be a lawyer. When I was 12 I was so sure I wanted to be a nurse. At the age of 15 I wanted to pursue a career in Journalism. By age 20 I wanted to be on American Idol but was always too stage frightened to actually go. Now, on my last few months to the journey of 30, I am struck again with the question, what do I want to become?

Most people my age seem to have their lives in order, right?  People my age have spouses, children, a house, and a 401K, right? Somewhere in America there are people my age who are still trying to figure this whole life thing out, right? Someone please tell me I am not alone in all of this thinking.

I have friends who have kids and they still find time to go to the clubs at night or have brunch in the middle of the day. I have friends who bar hop every friday and saturday night as if that is a normal thing to do. I have friends who go on regular dates to the salon to get their hair and nails done like it is just a simple sip of water. No care in the air. It is just so easy for those friends of mine.

I work six, if not seven, days in the week. I travel to the grocery store more than any other travel. I have a mortgage. I have a vehicle that I proudly own. I have two beautiful kids who fill my heart and loosen my wallet. I work to make ends’ meet and keep my family afloat. Somehow, though, I keep asking myself if there is more for me.

Untitled Thoughts (pt 1)

I often sit and wonder if it is me
The reason for the distance
The reason for the withdrawal
Somehow I always find a way to take the fall

Last night I sat and pictured
The ups and downs of love
The ins and outs of me
And how I don’t fit in with this society

Today I tear myself down
The flaws I have tried hide
The imperfections of my pride
Because to no one am I bound

My Moment of Truth

Before I begin, I must warn you about the raw material you are about to indulge in. There will be explicit content and 100% real emotions. 

Sigh … where do I even begin? Should I take you back to five years ago when my ex cheated on me, pregnant with his child, with some older chick named Denise? I feel like that is where my whole love life got screwed over. That whole ordeal really fucked with my mindset.  And now he is happily married and I am still looking for love. Funny how that shit works, huh?

Here goes my story … 

Seven years ago, I was pregnant with my first child. I was thrilled and scared and anxious to be a mother. The father, though, maybe took it a lot harder than I imagined. The moment we got the results from the pee-stick, he jolted to Denise’s house. He told me he had to go talk to his “boy” about it. He was stressed. No big deal, I thought. Wrong. 

He went to Denise and poured his heart to her. He wasn’t ready to be a dad. He will ask me for an abortion. He doesn’t want a part in this. I didn’t find out about any of this until later on when I confronted her at seven months pregnant. I was mortified. 

I wasn’t innocent in any of this, either, so don’t get me wrong. I got scared and ran back home to my family, four hours away. At this point he wanted to keep the baby, I think. He drove to my parents’ house and surprised me. We made love and I thought everything was going to work out. Until Denise decides to email me to tell me she was fucking my man. What a crazy ass bitch. I hated her. I despised her. Still do, I’m sure of it. 

Fast forward to April 2011 … my big boy was born and I was officially in love. I felt no love greater than the love he gave me. I stayed single because I wanted to focus on myself and my son. His dad took me to court for joint custody … and he made hot, passionate love to me after court. I thought we were going to get back together. He made it seem as though we would. August 2011 I will never forget how he made me feel from that day onwards. Lie after lie. Deceit after manipulation. Disgusting. 

But throughout the years we worked on our differences and became amicable for our son. Beautiful blended family. 

Now my second son’s father is a real asshole. How does anyone have children and not claim them? He denied my sweet little boy from the moment of my pregnancy. He decided to let me do all the hard work and try again when my son is a year and a half. He blames being incarcerated but we all know that he has no one to blame but himself. 

I sure know how to pick them, don’t I? 

Fast forward to recently, where I have been “talking to” this guy. And he just so happens to be in a long term relationship. He claims to be unhappy. He claims to have no intimacy with said girlfriend for nine long months now. How do I believe that? But somehow I do. I’m falling for him. Hard. And do you know who I see when I look in the mirror? Denise. Fucking bitch ass Denise is who I see. Isn’t this great?!

The person I hated so passionately is the person I see in myself right now. I have no reason being with someone who is living wtih another woman. But why? Why? Why the hell did I put myself in this position? Why did I fall for someone who is so unavailable to love me back openly? Some days I really feel like a horrible human being. Some days, like today, I feel like Denise. 

It’s been two months. Two months worth of everyday conversations. Two months worth of “I miss you” and “when will I see you again?” Two months worth of video chatting. Two months worth of text messages back and forth. But those two months is nothing compared to the years you’ve spent with her. And I cannot compare to that. 

I am a horrible human being. And I should hate myself for it. 

To Fall in Love With A Broken Man

Everyone we date has baggage. The real concern lies in whether we can accept those baggage or not. How committed do we want to be?

Women are known to be nurturers at heart. We tend to love on others before ourselves. I believe this is because we were genetically wired to carry children. Men, by definition, were made to be protectors and providers. They are strong, durable. The curves of a woman’s hips were intended to carry men’s children and the broad shoulders of a man were intended to carry the rest. But what happens when those broad shoulders are bruised, beaten, and unloved?

Far too often we hear about the broken woman. We focus on women’s weaknesses because it is something we can easily see with the naked eyes. Men are strong, remember? Men are resilient and nothing can break a man. Wrong. Men are allowed to feel weakness, too. They have all the rights in the world to feel as broken as we do. And often times, they do.

A man with baggage doesn’t mean he isn’t a “man” anymore; baggage does not simply take away a man’s masculinity. I believe a man who can show his softer sides is much more of a worthy man than one who promotes his manhood in an unhealthy, usually sexist, way. Kudos to all you broken men out there who continue to do what genetics has asked of you. Your weakness can also be seen as your strength.

If you, as a woman, love a man who isn’t whole at the moment … don’t give up. He needs you now more than ever. Sometimes we have to buck up and put those shoulders on for them. They won’t ask for help. Asking for help will be admitting defeat, admitting to a loss, and admitting to weakness. Do not abandon him in his hour of weakness. Have faith in your man because he will swing back around. Be the nurturer that you are. Love on him. Let him know that he can lean on you, too. Don’t give up on him …

We all hit a few bumps in the road now and again. That’s the beauty of life. Take the bad with the good. Always, and I mean always, think of your man as a direct reflection of you. What you put in, you get out.

Don’t abandon him. Don’t kick him when he’s down. Don’t de- masculine him.

Love on him. Pray with/for him. Believe in him.


Twisted Fate to Love You

If I knew then what I know now, I’d have fallen in love with you somehow. If I saw this side of you then, I’d have known this was where I should have been. Every love has its beginning somewhere … but I’d like mine to start right there. 

There where you and I can make a house into a home. There where happiness and love can freely roam. There where laughter takes place of fright. There where amazing love and magic is made every night. 

I wish what I know now I knew back then. I wish I would have let love happen. As I sit here thinking back to the yester-years, to all the wasted moments crying sappy tears. I can’t take back those moments no matter how badly my soul it torments. In some twisted fate and way, it was meant to be kept in my memor(a)y. 

It is my twisted fate to love you … 

and, to change that, there’s nothing I can do. 

An Open Letter to My Future Husband, Whoever You May Be


To begin, I want to tell you how bumpy the road was to get to you. I have fallen, stumbled, and tripped on my way here. I have cried after laughing, regret after loving, and been resentful after hoping. I gave pieces of my heart I could never get back. But, luckily, for you I have a whole lot more heart left to give. And the thing about wearing my heart on my sleeve  means that, most times, I don’t have to give any of it away to show how I feel.

You must, somewhat, be out of your mind to want to marry me. I am outspoken without bounds. I am loud without volume. I am spontaneous without limit. I get possessive, selfish, and greedy. There are times I’ll only want you to myself and I’ll expect for you to be okay with that. Sometimes I think you should be a mind reader because I don’t know how to say what I want. I’ll cry for almost no reasons at all. I’ll laugh at nearly everything. But I promise you, you will fully be entertained.

I promise to always put you and the kids before myself. I will love your family as if they were my own because that, to me, is what makes a marriage complete. I not only marry you, but I marry into you; into your family, your friends, your colleagues, your flaws, and all of your perfect imperfections.I promise to always kiss you good-night, even on the nights that aren’t so great. I promise to always give you a warm home-cooked breakfast, even if I have to wake up before the sun rises. I promise to cook all of your favorite dishes without complaint. And I promise to always be the woman you fell so deeply in love with.

I won’t let our love fizzle out with time. As long as you keep loving me, I will keep loving you. I will please your mind, soul, and body the way a wife should. I will continuously pray for you like I have since the day we met. I will be just as goofy, just as carefree, but I will know my limits. I will sing to you off-key and always put a smile on your face. And I’ll apologize now for all of my mood swings, irrational quarrels, and undeniable faults. But don’t give up on me because I would never give up on you as long as we both remain respectful.

Searching For Myself Again

I didn’t think I was good enough. Now I realize that I am always enough for the right person; I am enough for me. 

I have been in many relationships throughout these past 29 years of life; Friends who turned into family, family who turned into strangers, and strangers who became those I could not be without. You don’t realize how many different connections you make throughout the years when you’re stuck on a narrow road. I have been biased, judgemental, opinionated, and spiteful. I have cried, hurt, loved and did not receive love in return. And I started to resent myself. I resented myself for all the failed attempts at these relationships, whether it be with friends, family, or lovers. And then a friend said to me that what is “bad” isn’t necessarily bad at all. When things don’t go the way we pegged, it “causes us to desire stronger and refines what we believe we want and deserve.” Brandon, I appreciate your kind and intelligent words to me this morning. 

Everything that has happened in my past will be a stepping stone. Even the things that are yet to happen will have its place in my life. We manifest what we feel. The universe doesn’t discriminate. I choose to be love. I choose to be happy. I choose to be, whole heartedly, me. I love harder than most people do. I choose to see the good in everyone and everything and society makes me seem crazy for doing so. Well, screw society. I am not your norm. I am who I am and because I accept who I am, today and always, there will be someone who is willing to accept all of me, too. My past has shaped me into the person I am today. And I am proud to be all of who I am supposed to be. 

I have been ashamed of myself. I have questioned my worth because of men. I have bullied myself because I did not look the part of what men expected. I forgot to love myself in all of this. And it tore me apart inside. 

It took me a long time to find that love for myself. I was so toxic to me and my inner battles caused me a great deal of depression. I will not do any more harm to myself. Not everyone will accept me the way I am, but that’s not the end of the world. I am an amazing human being and the right people will love me. I am on a journey to find myself again, love myself again, and be who I am meant to be!

Trick or Treating Should Be Kept Out of the Dating World

I have completely had enough of the constant games!

I honestly don’t think that it has been that long since I have left and re-entered the dating world. Things just seem so much more complicated today than it used to then. It is a constant game of cat and mouse, upper hand going to the mouse! This is utterly ridiculous. Do people actually have tolerance for this kind of thing, now? I just cannot wrap my mind around this at all.

I was wary of dating again after my son’s father. I felt like I was a pawn in this necessity of life. I was being tugged, pushed, and pulled every which way. I was never enough, I felt like. When will someone see my whole potential and stop wasting my time? Finally, after my son was born and turned a year old, and some change, I decided to give dating another go. Fooled around with a few people to get my groove back and I was all right with that. The emotions were not there. Then I met a guy I thought would be fun to date. I thought it went well until he told me he was interested in dating someone else. I appreciated his honesty and kept it moving. Met someone new and began dating for about two months before I thought to myself, “I don’t think this is the right guy for me.” After ending things with him, my son’s dad decides to pop back in.

Surprise, surprise!

I am a family oriented person to the fullest. I try my best everyday to put the needs of all my closest family before my own. No one could ever question my love for family. So it is without a doubt that I would have been willing to give this guy another chance to be a part of my son’s life. It lasted a solid three months and three major Holidays before his truest colors came roaring back in and making me question everything. He was unsupportive, untrustworthy, unloyal, and just, simply, a big sack of nothingness. How could a parent be so damn distant with their own flesh and blood? (But this is a story for another topic.) Needless to say, love just was not in my cards.

One day, an old friend decided to hit me up and one conversation led to another. “Why don’t we start dating,” he says to me. I asked about the distance and he said he didn’t matter. He could easily come to see me wherever I was at. All the sweet nonsense, flawless imperfections, and I was melting like butter. He said all the right stuff. He did all the right things … at first. After weeks of talking and two little dates, we have sex. Sex was amazing. More than okay. Then the texts turned from hot to not. The calls ceased to exist, anymore. The pictures sent were minimal. I began to question myself and my ability to make someone feel special. In reality, he failed me. He lied to me. He led me on.

There were no more talks of the future and no more whispered sweet nothings. I was confused, dazed, left oblivious to his artificial happiness.

It takes months, if not years, for two people to come in and out of love. I’ve been on this merry-go-round and off again too many times. Days, weeks if I’m lucky, is all it takes for someone to show me good to bad. I am sick of it. I am tired. I am drained, emotionally. Done with this mess.

The Truth, The Lie, The Betrayal

What lies in the unseen will one day reveal itself.

Some of us go through life plotting from the moment we wake up to the second we 
fall asleep. Some of us were just born with a nasty bone in our bodies that
like to cause chaos and dilemma. And then there are those of us who overcome
those crazy urges and do our best to live with a moral compass.

Throughout the 28 years I have spent on this Earth I have seen so much hurt, sadness, happiness – a roller coaster of emotions. I have come across good and bad people and have questioned myself on the role I play. I have had two kids out of wedlock but have never denied either of my children. I love them both the same and I cannot imagine a parent who isn’t physically capable of caring, loving, and living for their child(ren). And yet I have crossed paths with such people, if you could call them that.

I used to think that the worst thing that could happen to me was what I went through with my first child, my first pregnancy. I was wrong. Although I cannot agree with everything my ex did to me while I was carrying his child, I cannot say that this man is a bad father. He does it all for this child of ours and I am so blessed, and happy, to say that he is my son’s father. I am proud to say that my son has two parents, and an extra thanks to my ex’s wife, who love him unconditionally. I went through all I did because it was God’s plan. And I believe that fate is predetermined. I trust in Him enough to know that all that has happened with my son and I were supposed to go the way it has.

I cannot, however, come to understand why I had to go through an almost similar situation with my second pregnancy. To be cheated on, lied to, and betrayed in such a way. This could not possibly be in His plan for me. How am I to raise a child on my own? What will the others say about my decisions in life? I was frightened. I was young. I knew nothing other than my family to turn to, but thank the Lord I had my family to turn to. There was a blessing in disguise in this bad situation of mine. Through this difficult time I found my faith in God again. And I began to see that this, too, was in His plans for me.

Two years, and some change, later and not much has changed. Three months spent with my baby, and after that it became four “visits” which consisted of a few hours, total. But this betrayal isn’t towards me, you see. When my son doesn’t recognize your face, your voice, and when he can no longer call you “daddy” please don’t become angry with me. Remember that these are the things you have bestowed upon yourself. Remember that while you’re boasting to those people who matter none, you are not fooling Him. Remember that that only person who matters in this equation is this little boy who calls me mommy.

All the money in this world cannot compare to the love, time, and patience a parent can, and should, give to their child(ren). When a parent asks for child support, it is not for them. You can give your money, which the child(ren) have all the rights to, but it will never compare to the endless and unconditional time and love given to them. Just remember that.