My Moment of Truth

Before I begin, I must warn you about the raw material you are about to indulge in. There will be explicit content and 100% real emotions. 

Sigh … where do I even begin? Should I take you back to five years ago when my ex cheated on me, pregnant with his child, with some older chick named Denise? I feel like that is where my whole love life got screwed over. That whole ordeal really fucked with my mindset.  And now he is happily married and I am still looking for love. Funny how that shit works, huh?

Here goes my story … 

Seven years ago, I was pregnant with my first child. I was thrilled and scared and anxious to be a mother. The father, though, maybe took it a lot harder than I imagined. The moment we got the results from the pee-stick, he jolted to Denise’s house. He told me he had to go talk to his “boy” about it. He was stressed. No big deal, I thought. Wrong. 

He went to Denise and poured his heart to her. He wasn’t ready to be a dad. He will ask me for an abortion. He doesn’t want a part in this. I didn’t find out about any of this until later on when I confronted her at seven months pregnant. I was mortified. 

I wasn’t innocent in any of this, either, so don’t get me wrong. I got scared and ran back home to my family, four hours away. At this point he wanted to keep the baby, I think. He drove to my parents’ house and surprised me. We made love and I thought everything was going to work out. Until Denise decides to email me to tell me she was fucking my man. What a crazy ass bitch. I hated her. I despised her. Still do, I’m sure of it. 

Fast forward to April 2011 … my big boy was born and I was officially in love. I felt no love greater than the love he gave me. I stayed single because I wanted to focus on myself and my son. His dad took me to court for joint custody … and he made hot, passionate love to me after court. I thought we were going to get back together. He made it seem as though we would. August 2011 I will never forget how he made me feel from that day onwards. Lie after lie. Deceit after manipulation. Disgusting. 

But throughout the years we worked on our differences and became amicable for our son. Beautiful blended family. 

Now my second son’s father is a real asshole. How does anyone have children and not claim them? He denied my sweet little boy from the moment of my pregnancy. He decided to let me do all the hard work and try again when my son is a year and a half. He blames being incarcerated but we all know that he has no one to blame but himself. 

I sure know how to pick them, don’t I? 

Fast forward to recently, where I have been “talking to” this guy. And he just so happens to be in a long term relationship. He claims to be unhappy. He claims to have no intimacy with said girlfriend for nine long months now. How do I believe that? But somehow I do. I’m falling for him. Hard. And do you know who I see when I look in the mirror? Denise. Fucking bitch ass Denise is who I see. Isn’t this great?!

The person I hated so passionately is the person I see in myself right now. I have no reason being with someone who is living wtih another woman. But why? Why? Why the hell did I put myself in this position? Why did I fall for someone who is so unavailable to love me back openly? Some days I really feel like a horrible human being. Some days, like today, I feel like Denise. 

It’s been two months. Two months worth of everyday conversations. Two months worth of “I miss you” and “when will I see you again?” Two months worth of video chatting. Two months worth of text messages back and forth. But those two months is nothing compared to the years you’ve spent with her. And I cannot compare to that. 

I am a horrible human being. And I should hate myself for it. 

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A Mother’s Rant

I must admit, sometimes it does get a little lonely being a single mother. Sure I have my family who are all so very supportive and loving, but that doesn’t fill the romantic void. Sure I have my two sons whom I love so deeply and unconditionally, but a mother’s love isn’t the same as a woman’s love. Just to be able to cuddle up in bed after a long day of motherly duties would be nice. To be able to have someone who can appreciate all that I am doing and to share that joy with would be a blessing. To not have to go through big life moments alone would be euphoric.

And then I think to myself that anyone else could potentially take that attention away from my boys and maybe I’m not ready for that. These boys are my world. When God and fate and destiny think I’m ready to handle that extra someone, I’m sure they will push him in my direction. For right now, I’m happy to be alive and happy to be the one person these two boys call mommy.

D-Day

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The day is finally here; In less than five hours I will be on my way to the hospital to deliver this baby via cesarean. I am unbelievably nervous but also very excited, anxious, and happy. I am a human ball of emotions to say the least. It has been a long journey, and very dramatic and eye-opening. At the end of it all there will be a beautiful baby boy in my arms one more time, so I won’t complain. This is my life.

My oldest will welcome a new baby brother and I have the luxury of falling in love all over again. No matter what road I got on to get here nothing will change how I feel about my children. They are God’s gift. I only want to do my best to provide and care for my little loves for the rest of my life. Okay, time to get some shut eye … If and while I still can!