My Moment of Truth

Before I begin, I must warn you about the raw material you are about to indulge in. There will be explicit content and 100% real emotions. 

Sigh … where do I even begin? Should I take you back to five years ago when my ex cheated on me, pregnant with his child, with some older chick named Denise? I feel like that is where my whole love life got screwed over. That whole ordeal really fucked with my mindset.  And now he is happily married and I am still looking for love. Funny how that shit works, huh?

Here goes my story … 

Seven years ago, I was pregnant with my first child. I was thrilled and scared and anxious to be a mother. The father, though, maybe took it a lot harder than I imagined. The moment we got the results from the pee-stick, he jolted to Denise’s house. He told me he had to go talk to his “boy” about it. He was stressed. No big deal, I thought. Wrong. 

He went to Denise and poured his heart to her. He wasn’t ready to be a dad. He will ask me for an abortion. He doesn’t want a part in this. I didn’t find out about any of this until later on when I confronted her at seven months pregnant. I was mortified. 

I wasn’t innocent in any of this, either, so don’t get me wrong. I got scared and ran back home to my family, four hours away. At this point he wanted to keep the baby, I think. He drove to my parents’ house and surprised me. We made love and I thought everything was going to work out. Until Denise decides to email me to tell me she was fucking my man. What a crazy ass bitch. I hated her. I despised her. Still do, I’m sure of it. 

Fast forward to April 2011 … my big boy was born and I was officially in love. I felt no love greater than the love he gave me. I stayed single because I wanted to focus on myself and my son. His dad took me to court for joint custody … and he made hot, passionate love to me after court. I thought we were going to get back together. He made it seem as though we would. August 2011 I will never forget how he made me feel from that day onwards. Lie after lie. Deceit after manipulation. Disgusting. 

But throughout the years we worked on our differences and became amicable for our son. Beautiful blended family. 

Now my second son’s father is a real asshole. How does anyone have children and not claim them? He denied my sweet little boy from the moment of my pregnancy. He decided to let me do all the hard work and try again when my son is a year and a half. He blames being incarcerated but we all know that he has no one to blame but himself. 

I sure know how to pick them, don’t I? 

Fast forward to recently, where I have been “talking to” this guy. And he just so happens to be in a long term relationship. He claims to be unhappy. He claims to have no intimacy with said girlfriend for nine long months now. How do I believe that? But somehow I do. I’m falling for him. Hard. And do you know who I see when I look in the mirror? Denise. Fucking bitch ass Denise is who I see. Isn’t this great?!

The person I hated so passionately is the person I see in myself right now. I have no reason being with someone who is living wtih another woman. But why? Why? Why the hell did I put myself in this position? Why did I fall for someone who is so unavailable to love me back openly? Some days I really feel like a horrible human being. Some days, like today, I feel like Denise. 

It’s been two months. Two months worth of everyday conversations. Two months worth of “I miss you” and “when will I see you again?” Two months worth of video chatting. Two months worth of text messages back and forth. But those two months is nothing compared to the years you’ve spent with her. And I cannot compare to that. 

I am a horrible human being. And I should hate myself for it. 

To Fall in Love With A Broken Man

Everyone we date has baggage. The real concern lies in whether we can accept those baggage or not. How committed do we want to be?

Women are known to be nurturers at heart. We tend to love on others before ourselves. I believe this is because we were genetically wired to carry children. Men, by definition, were made to be protectors and providers. They are strong, durable. The curves of a woman’s hips were intended to carry men’s children and the broad shoulders of a man were intended to carry the rest. But what happens when those broad shoulders are bruised, beaten, and unloved?

Far too often we hear about the broken woman. We focus on women’s weaknesses because it is something we can easily see with the naked eyes. Men are strong, remember? Men are resilient and nothing can break a man. Wrong. Men are allowed to feel weakness, too. They have all the rights in the world to feel as broken as we do. And often times, they do.

A man with baggage doesn’t mean he isn’t a “man” anymore; baggage does not simply take away a man’s masculinity. I believe a man who can show his softer sides is much more of a worthy man than one who promotes his manhood in an unhealthy, usually sexist, way. Kudos to all you broken men out there who continue to do what genetics has asked of you. Your weakness can also be seen as your strength.

If you, as a woman, love a man who isn’t whole at the moment … don’t give up. He needs you now more than ever. Sometimes we have to buck up and put those shoulders on for them. They won’t ask for help. Asking for help will be admitting defeat, admitting to a loss, and admitting to weakness. Do not abandon him in his hour of weakness. Have faith in your man because he will swing back around. Be the nurturer that you are. Love on him. Let him know that he can lean on you, too. Don’t give up on him …

We all hit a few bumps in the road now and again. That’s the beauty of life. Take the bad with the good. Always, and I mean always, think of your man as a direct reflection of you. What you put in, you get out.

Don’t abandon him. Don’t kick him when he’s down. Don’t de- masculine him.

Love on him. Pray with/for him. Believe in him.

 

Twisted Fate to Love You


If I knew then what I know now, I’d have fallen in love with you somehow. If I saw this side of you then, I’d have known this was where I should have been. Every love has its beginning somewhere … but I’d like mine to start right there. 

There where you and I can make a house into a home. There where happiness and love can freely roam. There where laughter takes place of fright. There where amazing love and magic is made every night. 

I wish what I know now I knew back then. I wish I would have let love happen. As I sit here thinking back to the yester-years, to all the wasted moments crying sappy tears. I can’t take back those moments no matter how badly my soul it torments. In some twisted fate and way, it was meant to be kept in my memor(a)y. 

It is my twisted fate to love you … 

and, to change that, there’s nothing I can do. 

Searching For Myself Again

I didn’t think I was good enough. Now I realize that I am always enough for the right person; I am enough for me. 

I have been in many relationships throughout these past 29 years of life; Friends who turned into family, family who turned into strangers, and strangers who became those I could not be without. You don’t realize how many different connections you make throughout the years when you’re stuck on a narrow road. I have been biased, judgemental, opinionated, and spiteful. I have cried, hurt, loved and did not receive love in return. And I started to resent myself. I resented myself for all the failed attempts at these relationships, whether it be with friends, family, or lovers. And then a friend said to me that what is “bad” isn’t necessarily bad at all. When things don’t go the way we pegged, it “causes us to desire stronger and refines what we believe we want and deserve.” Brandon, I appreciate your kind and intelligent words to me this morning. 

Everything that has happened in my past will be a stepping stone. Even the things that are yet to happen will have its place in my life. We manifest what we feel. The universe doesn’t discriminate. I choose to be love. I choose to be happy. I choose to be, whole heartedly, me. I love harder than most people do. I choose to see the good in everyone and everything and society makes me seem crazy for doing so. Well, screw society. I am not your norm. I am who I am and because I accept who I am, today and always, there will be someone who is willing to accept all of me, too. My past has shaped me into the person I am today. And I am proud to be all of who I am supposed to be. 

I have been ashamed of myself. I have questioned my worth because of men. I have bullied myself because I did not look the part of what men expected. I forgot to love myself in all of this. And it tore me apart inside. 

It took me a long time to find that love for myself. I was so toxic to me and my inner battles caused me a great deal of depression. I will not do any more harm to myself. Not everyone will accept me the way I am, but that’s not the end of the world. I am an amazing human being and the right people will love me. I am on a journey to find myself again, love myself again, and be who I am meant to be!