What is love? Love is just a four letter word with multiple meanings according to who you ask. Love is an enigma wrapped in a security blanket in which you are able to grasp for comfort. Love is an endless pour of meanings dripping from a waterfall of timeless beauty. Love is a powerful tool created with life, from the beginning of time, to soothe us into existence. Love is crafted to fit every mold in it’s own unique way. No two love is, ever, exactly the same.

Sincerely, My

Welcome to The Unknown

Welcome to the uncertainty.

Depression and anxiety seem to be so taboo of a subject for most people. But my two closest friends are Depression and Anxiety. Some days I feel better than most but those days do not last very long. I fight with myself. I fit within myself. No one sees the battle scars. I am bruised. I am bleeding. I am torn.

There is no cocktail of medication that can happily fix a broken heart. Broken things take time to mend. Like a sparrow who fell from it’s nest, I must tend to my wounds and dare to flutter my wings again. But my feet seem so planted on the ground, fixated on the pain I felt from whence I fell. But no one can feel my pain. I am broken. I am scared. I am …

Strong is the coffee in which I sip each morning, contemplating my every next move. I walk on eggshells around my own mind, not wanting to trip on a wire of despair. Weak is the wall I’ve built around my heart, unable to withstand the storm that is brewing inside my head. I have become my own hurricane. Destruction easily follows.

Take a breath. Take a minute. Take… Take… Take.

Stop giving and just, for once, take what is needed. For you, for yourself. Stop losing yourself in this mundane thought of loneliness. Stop trapping yourself in this figment of misery and sadness. No one is truly alone.

But I do … feel alone. Surrounded by multiple voices, I feel most alone. I hate not knowing. It gives me jitters of anxiety I cannot shake. The future is unknown. The past is uncertain. But my present feels like a gift of chaos. I’m in a whirlwind of my own emotions and I can’t catch my breath.

Scares of Pregnancy

So many people write about the beauty of pregnancy. The wonderful moments of “blessings and bliss” but not everyone likes to ackowledge, publicly, about the scares and tears. I was one of them, too, so I know.
You try to conceive with this notion in your mind that it will be a true blessing and all you’ll have to go through are uncomfortable sleeping positions, maybe some nausea, and heartburn. Other than that, you don’t think about anything else. I mean, why even think about the not so happy thoughts? Will it into existence, right?
I’ve had the worst nausea imagineable since the start of conception and upset stomachs don’t even really begin to describe how I felt. I lost 5lbs in two days from throwing up and not being able to keep anything down. I felt miserable. My face broke out like a teenage boy going through puberty. I did NOT feel very pretty in these moments. Still, I was so thrilled to be carrying life within me.
Here I am, almost in the home stretch to the second trimester, the safe zone, and I walked out of work in tears because I just passed the biggest blood clot I have ever laid eyes on. “Oh, God, no. Not my baby. Anything but my baby.No, no, no, no.” I had to collect myself, compose myself, and calmly drive to the nearest Urgent Care center. And I was fine, keeping my nerves calm as to not scare my 4-year-old who was with me.
“Hi, I need to be seen, I’m having some bleeding,” I said to the front desk receptionist.
“What kind of bleeding?”
I swallowed shakingly, tears filling up my eyes quicker than high tide and said, “I think I’m losing my baby.I don’t know what to do. I just need help, please.”
They took me in right away, no more questions in the lobby. My ten week old fetus was later seen on the ultrasound, kicking away. Heart rate at a steady 195 bpm. I cried of relief but it was so hard to be happy. I thought I was losing my precious child. I kept thinking, in that moment, that if it was gone, truly gone, I would not be able to try again. The pain of even thinking of this loss was too great for me to handle.
They called it a Threatened Abortion/Miscarriage. Threatened.
I took the doctor’s advice and stayed on bedrest. But not for very long. My sister was getting married and I needed to put my big girl pants on to be there for her big day. Not long after this happened, I packed our bags and drove six plus hours. I was in so much discomfort, so much agony. I was depressed. But I knew I had to be there for her and I needed to be surrounded by family. And what a beautiful weekend it was, full of love and happiness.
After coming back home, I went back to work for three days. Three normal days until I woke up that one morning with blood trickling down my thigh. “Fuck, not again!” I woke up my young toddler, told him he needed to quickly get dressed and come with mommy to the doctor’s. We are going to check on baby this morning.
Same situation at 12 weeks gestational age. I should be safe here, right?
Another sonogram showed baby kicking away, learning how to swallow in utero, and just bouncing away in the amniotic sac. I should be happy. I should be so relieved. So why am I not? I can’t help but worry and the last thing I need is added stress, says the doctor. I am trying. And my wonderful, dear boyfriend is doing all of the lifting up he can so that I don’t need to stress. So why do I feel so down, still?
I feel flutters now. A movement made by baby called quickening is happening within me. I start to crack a little smile here and there. “Thank you for letting me know you’re safe, little one.” I am doing all that I can to make sure you stay healthy until 39 weeks when I can finally hold you in my arms.
13 week first trimester scan went beautifully. Somersaults, back flips, and swimmer’s kicks prove to me you are stronger than I am imagining.
But I’m still not out of the clear. Still spotting. Still cramping. Still stressing.
No one likes to talk about the scares and the tears … but they very much so exist, still.

Athanasios T.

And if this were to end here, I’d like to thank you for the little victories.

I’ve been feeling as if you’re distancing yourself from me lately. And I know as soon as I say something about it I will get backlash like, why are you so insecure, crazy, and unstable?

The things you did, the simple little things, from the beginning you don’t do anymore. What has changed in a few days’ time? When you were still just trying to occupy my mind and time you were ALL OVER IT; texts would pour in and you’d want to see me and spend time with me. Now it seems like it’s all me. I say I miss you and get nothing in return. No smile, no reply, you’re quiet the entire night. Was that when it all started? I’ve never been one to play games and make the other person miss me purposefully … I would never do someone like that. I guess everyone is different and we all want and need different things. I really liked you. And I was hoping you’d be the one I could talk to about everything and nothing; someone who would wake me up with hello’s and always end the night telling me sweet dreams. It’s sad that I wait on it and it doesn’t even happen. I try not to bombard you with texts and calls … but now I guess I will just back off this track. You said you weren’t like the others but in a way, you’re almost worse; you held my hand into this butterfly dream only to drag my heart into the dirt. I thought and though that maybe there was something I did along the way but I’m done with that. No matter what the issue is, everything could and should be talked about. There was no excuse for your sudden departure from the present and new residency into Ghost Town.

I will no longer make up excuses for anyone who does me wrong. You lost me with this. I am both sad and angry but most of all I feel disappointment. You are cunning and manipulative and I fell for every kiss, every word, and every gesture. I know what I am willing to accept and this is not it. I am worth so much more than this.

In the short journey that you made a presence in my life I was happy, so, for that I thank you. For the good times we shared, the beauty in the romance, and the endearing words you once gave me, I thank you. I won’t let your ignorance ruin those moments for me.

Please don’t toy with anyone else’s emotions; feelings are a fragile bunch.

Is Your Conscience Clear

Are your intentions pure? If I did to you, what you are doing to me, will you be all right? Are you respectful towards me? Is your conscience clear?

How does one go about setting standards for others?

I don’t think we can. We are all given individual brains with our own ways to think. No two people are ever exact; not our DNA, not the way we think, not even the way we feel. Sometimes we just have to allow a person the freedom of doing things without having to set a specific standard.

Someone who has every intention of doing right by you will always do right by you whether or not you are around and whether or not they are told to do so.

You should never have to tell a person how to love. The way they love others and the way they love you should always be up to them. You do not hold the power to dictate a person’s heart. It isn’t fair, nor is it wise. We should coexist in one another’s’ vibes and we will thrive if and when it is meant.

Keep your conscience clear even if you have doubt someone else’s. At the end of the day, you have to put up with you for the rest of your life. People come and go, even if it is momentarily, and what we feel about a person may change from one day to the next. How we feel about ourselves and our choices is what makes or breaks us. Put good into this world and it will come back, I promise.

Karma always finds her way around, believe me.

It Is In The Journey

It is not about the destination but, rather, the journey itself.

We live in a world that tells us what deadlines to meet and what end goals we should greet. We get so wrapped up in this constant need to go somewhere, get somewhere. We forget about the road we take, the paths we groove for ourselves. The best memories lie within those very steps. The good, the bad, and the ugly; we should appreciate it all. Every gut wrenching mishap, every tear jerking obstacle, and every sunlit smile; appreciate it all. Let go of the thought of a destination and pay attention to the journey along the way. I promise you, it is worth every emotion.

One day at a time. Effort is the key to everything. [Never] forget that you are the curator of your journey. Be good to yourself along the way.

I have met some very amazing people in this journey through life, especially, after I let go of ALL things wearing me down. It took me a very long time to feel comfort within my own skin. It took me even longer to accept myself for who I truly am. Release all the negative energy you feel has taken precendence in your life. Breathe. Slowly exhale all that wears you down. Let your spirit flow freely with nature and soak in all the positive vibes the Universe has to offer.

Enjoy your journey. Bask in all the glory, and even the not so glorious, that life will offer.

I Have Issues, You Have Them Too

I felt too much as he felt too little. I wore my heart upon my sleeve only to get burned in the end.

I have real issues about analyzing and then some more overanalyzing. When I get these thoughts in my head and the wheel starts turning, it is so hard to turn it off. I hate the unknown and I hate not knowing. My problem is more systematic than symptomatic. Past traumas have shaped my way of thinking and poisoned my brain. I am still learning to let go, still …

My poison is my overactive brain and my fast beating heart.

I have confidence in myself. I have confidence in my own love. I have trust in my heart. Though there are times when I find myself overanalyzing the simple things, I have never, and will never, find myself questionin my own heart. I don’t regret the love I give now nor the love I’ve given in the past that has been taken completely for granted. I believe that love can win every time. I believe in myself.

We all have demons we are fighting with. Truth be told, many of us may be fighting the same demons. Insecurities lie beneath all of us and some of us hide it better than others. No one is above anyone else, we just go about our business differently.

Find the light within yourself and focus on making it brighter. Don’t rely on anyone else for your own happiness and know that your issues will never define who you are as a person as long as you remind yourself that you are greater than it.

Honeymoon Phase, Maybe

The honeymoon phase is usually known as the first couple of months of a new relationship in which everything is still viewed in a positive light. Everyone is still very happy and care-free during this “phase.”

Usually, “too good to be true,” is indeed true.

I have been dating since I was twelve. Early, I know. What did I know then? Absolutely nothing. My first real life relationship happened when I was about 18 and it was awful. From that 18-year-old moment until now I have only had a handful of serious relationships. To be exact, there were a total of maybe one and a HALF real relationships that I have personally been in. How sad.

Every person is different, this is true. Happiness means different things to different people. I am not above perfection for I have my flaws. I used to think that my loving too hard was a flaw or defect of some sort. I used to think this becuase there were people unworthy of my love receiving it. Not anymore. I have spent years pondering the meaning behind my own happiness. What makes My smile? What makes my heart sing with glee? How do I feel when …? The self questioning would go on and on.

I have recently put all of my worries aside. I took a crazy leap and actually went on a date with someone I spent only a few hours texting with. I was nervous, scared. But that leap took me to a new level of happiness. I honestly have not felt this accepted and this wanted by another human being who wasn’t family. He wanted more than just my body. He starves my ego and he feeds my soul. The wavelengths of our minds connect on a much higher level than I have connected with anyone else. He brings to me a new level of comfort and it makes me smile.

He kisses me as he leans in speaking to me. He isn’t afraid to show me affection. The way he makes me feel is beyond pleasurable. He connects with my innermost self. I have spent every moment with him possible and I can’t get enough.

My fear has always been whether I am doing too much or too little. He tells me to do whatever I am most comfortable with – no force. I move within my own speed and he matches every step. More than content, I am happyI want this to be more than a honeymoon phase. I just want this to be. Wish my happiness into existence and it will be.

To others this may very well be my honeymoon phase … I’m hoping this is just life.

Hello, Is It Me You’re Looking For?

For so long I have been searching for the me I thought I knew.

Have you ever pondered for so long about who you are as a person? What makes me so special and unique? What separates me from them? Who am I as a person or individual? Where do I begin and us start? I’m beginning to wonder if I ever really knew myself at all. Does anyone ever know anyone, especially one’s own self?

I remember when my father used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I mean, that was such a normal question to ask young kids; what do you want to be when you grow up? I’m pretty sure I had a different answer every few years. When I was five I wanted to be a Nun. When I was seven I wanted to be a teacher. When I was ten I wanted to be a lawyer. When I was 12 I was so sure I wanted to be a nurse. At the age of 15 I wanted to pursue a career in Journalism. By age 20 I wanted to be on American Idol but was always too stage frightened to actually go. Now, on my last few months to the journey of 30, I am struck again with the question, what do I want to become?

Most people my age seem to have their lives in order, right?  People my age have spouses, children, a house, and a 401K, right? Somewhere in America there are people my age who are still trying to figure this whole life thing out, right? Someone please tell me I am not alone in all of this thinking.

I have friends who have kids and they still find time to go to the clubs at night or have brunch in the middle of the day. I have friends who bar hop every friday and saturday night as if that is a normal thing to do. I have friends who go on regular dates to the salon to get their hair and nails done like it is just a simple sip of water. No care in the air. It is just so easy for those friends of mine.

I work six, if not seven, days in the week. I travel to the grocery store more than any other travel. I have a mortgage. I have a vehicle that I proudly own. I have two beautiful kids who fill my heart and loosen my wallet. I work to make ends’ meet and keep my family afloat. Somehow, though, I keep asking myself if there is more for me.

Untitled Thoughts (pt 1)

I often sit and wonder if it is me
The reason for the distance
The reason for the withdrawal
Somehow I always find a way to take the fall

Last night I sat and pictured
The ups and downs of love
The ins and outs of me
And how I don’t fit in with this society

Today I tear myself down
The flaws I have tried hide
The imperfections of my pride
Because to no one am I bound