Searching For Myself Again

I didn’t think I was good enough. Now I realize that I am always enough for the right person; I am enough for me. 

I have been in many relationships throughout these past 29 years of life; Friends who turned into family, family who turned into strangers, and strangers who became those I could not be without. You don’t realize how many different connections you make throughout the years when you’re stuck on a narrow road. I have been biased, judgemental, opinionated, and spiteful. I have cried, hurt, loved and did not receive love in return. And I started to resent myself. I resented myself for all the failed attempts at these relationships, whether it be with friends, family, or lovers. And then a friend said to me that what is “bad” isn’t necessarily bad at all. When things don’t go the way we pegged, it “causes us to desire stronger and refines what we believe we want and deserve.” Brandon, I appreciate your kind and intelligent words to me this morning. 

Everything that has happened in my past will be a stepping stone. Even the things that are yet to happen will have its place in my life. We manifest what we feel. The universe doesn’t discriminate. I choose to be love. I choose to be happy. I choose to be, whole heartedly, me. I love harder than most people do. I choose to see the good in everyone and everything and society makes me seem crazy for doing so. Well, screw society. I am not your norm. I am who I am and because I accept who I am, today and always, there will be someone who is willing to accept all of me, too. My past has shaped me into the person I am today. And I am proud to be all of who I am supposed to be. 

I have been ashamed of myself. I have questioned my worth because of men. I have bullied myself because I did not look the part of what men expected. I forgot to love myself in all of this. And it tore me apart inside. 

It took me a long time to find that love for myself. I was so toxic to me and my inner battles caused me a great deal of depression. I will not do any more harm to myself. Not everyone will accept me the way I am, but that’s not the end of the world. I am an amazing human being and the right people will love me. I am on a journey to find myself again, love myself again, and be who I am meant to be!

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