An Open Letter to My Future Husband, Whoever You May Be

rings

To begin, I want to tell you how bumpy the road was to get to you. I have fallen, stumbled, and tripped on my way here. I have cried after laughing, regret after loving, and been resentful after hoping. I gave pieces of my heart I could never get back. But, luckily, for you I have a whole lot more heart left to give. And the thing about wearing my heart on my sleeve ┬ámeans that, most times, I don’t have to give any of it away to show how I feel.

You must, somewhat, be out of your mind to want to marry me. I am outspoken without bounds. I am loud without volume. I am spontaneous without limit. I get possessive, selfish, and greedy. There are times I’ll only want you to myself and I’ll expect for you to be okay with that. Sometimes I think you should be a mind reader because I don’t know how to say what I want. I’ll cry for almost no reasons at all. I’ll laugh at nearly everything. But I promise you, you will fully be entertained.

I promise to always put you and the kids before myself. I will love your family as if they were my own because that, to me, is what makes a marriage complete. I not only marry you, but I marry into you; into your family, your friends, your colleagues, your flaws, and all of your perfect imperfections.I promise to always kiss you good-night, even on the nights that aren’t so great. I promise to always give you a warm home-cooked breakfast, even if I have to wake up before the sun rises. I promise to cook all of your favorite dishes without complaint. And I promise to always be the woman you fell so deeply in love with.

I won’t let our love fizzle out with time. As long as you keep loving me, I will keep loving you. I will please your mind, soul, and body the way a wife should. I will continuously pray for you like I have since the day we met. I will be just as goofy, just as carefree, but I will know my limits. I will sing to you off-key and always put a smile on your face. And I’ll apologize now for all of my mood swings, irrational quarrels, and undeniable faults. But don’t give up on me because I would never give up on you as long as we both remain respectful.

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Searching For Myself Again

I didn’t think I was good enough. Now I realize that I am always enough for the right person; I am enough for me. 

I have been in many relationships throughout these past 29 years of life; Friends who turned into family, family who turned into strangers, and strangers who became those I could not be without. You don’t realize how many different connections you make throughout the years when you’re stuck on a narrow road. I have been biased, judgemental, opinionated, and spiteful. I have cried, hurt, loved and did not receive love in return. And I started to resent myself. I resented myself for all the failed attempts at these relationships, whether it be with friends, family, or lovers. And then a friend said to me that what is “bad” isn’t necessarily bad at all. When things don’t go the way we pegged, it “causes us to desire stronger and refines what we believe we want and deserve.” Brandon, I appreciate your kind and intelligent words to me this morning. 

Everything that has happened in my past will be a stepping stone. Even the things that are yet to happen will have its place in my life. We manifest what we feel. The universe doesn’t discriminate. I choose to be love. I choose to be happy. I choose to be, whole heartedly, me. I love harder than most people do. I choose to see the good in everyone and everything and society makes me seem crazy for doing so. Well, screw society. I am not your norm. I am who I am and because I accept who I am, today and always, there will be someone who is willing to accept all of me, too. My past has shaped me into the person I am today. And I am proud to be all of who I am supposed to be. 

I have been ashamed of myself. I have questioned my worth because of men. I have bullied myself because I did not look the part of what men expected. I forgot to love myself in all of this. And it tore me apart inside. 

It took me a long time to find that love for myself. I was so toxic to me and my inner battles caused me a great deal of depression. I will not do any more harm to myself. Not everyone will accept me the way I am, but that’s not the end of the world. I am an amazing human being and the right people will love me. I am on a journey to find myself again, love myself again, and be who I am meant to be!

Trick or Treating Should Be Kept Out of the Dating World

I have completely had enough of the constant games!

I honestly don’t think that it has been that long since I have left and re-entered the dating world. Things just seem so much more complicated today than it used to then. It is a constant game of cat and mouse, upper hand going to the mouse! This is utterly ridiculous. Do people actually have tolerance for this kind of thing, now? I just cannot wrap my mind around this at all.

I was wary of dating again after my son’s father. I felt like I was a pawn in this necessity of life. I was being tugged, pushed, and pulled every which way. I was never enough, I felt like. When will someone see my whole potential and stop wasting my time? Finally, after my son was born and turned a year old, and some change, I decided to give dating another go. Fooled around with a few people to get my groove back and I was all right with that. The emotions were not there. Then I met a guy I thought would be fun to date. I thought it went well until he told me he was interested in dating someone else. I appreciated his honesty and kept it moving. Met someone new and began dating for about two months before I thought to myself, “I don’t think this is the right guy for me.” After ending things with him, my son’s dad decides to pop back in.

Surprise, surprise!

I am a family oriented person to the fullest. I try my best everyday to put the needs of all my closest family before my own. No one could ever question my love for family. So it is without a doubt that I would have been willing to give this guy another chance to be a part of my son’s life. It lasted a solid three months and three major Holidays before his truest colors came roaring back in and making me question everything. He was unsupportive, untrustworthy, unloyal, and just, simply, a big sack of nothingness. How could a parent be so damn distant with their own flesh and blood? (But this is a story for another topic.) Needless to say, love just was not in my cards.

One day, an old friend decided to hit me up and one conversation led to another. “Why don’t we start dating,” he says to me. I asked about the distance and he said he didn’t matter. He could easily come to see me wherever I was at. All the sweet nonsense, flawless imperfections, and I was melting like butter. He said all the right stuff. He did all the right things … at first. After weeks of talking and two little dates, we have sex. Sex was amazing. More than okay. Then the texts turned from hot to not. The calls ceased to exist, anymore. The pictures sent were minimal. I began to question myself and my ability to make someone feel special. In reality, he failed me. He lied to me. He led me on.

There were no more talks of the future and no more whispered sweet nothings. I was confused, dazed, left oblivious to his artificial happiness.

It takes months, if not years, for two people to come in and out of love. I’ve been on this merry-go-round and off again too many times. Days, weeks if I’m lucky, is all it takes for someone to show me good to bad. I am sick of it. I am tired. I am drained, emotionally. Done with this mess.