A Mother’s Rant

I must admit, sometimes it does get a little lonely being a single mother. Sure I have my family who are all so very supportive and loving, but that doesn’t fill the romantic void. Sure I have my two sons whom I love so deeply and unconditionally, but a mother’s love isn’t the same as a woman’s love. Just to be able to cuddle up in bed after a long day of motherly duties would be nice. To be able to have someone who can appreciate all that I am doing and to share that joy with would be a blessing. To not have to go through big life moments alone would be euphoric.

And then I think to myself that anyone else could potentially take that attention away from my boys and maybe I’m not ready for that. These boys are my world. When God and fate and destiny think I’m ready to handle that extra someone, I’m sure they will push him in my direction. For right now, I’m happy to be alive and happy to be the one person these two boys call mommy.

D-Day

20140605-235201-85921787.jpg

The day is finally here; In less than five hours I will be on my way to the hospital to deliver this baby via cesarean. I am unbelievably nervous but also very excited, anxious, and happy. I am a human ball of emotions to say the least. It has been a long journey, and very dramatic and eye-opening. At the end of it all there will be a beautiful baby boy in my arms one more time, so I won’t complain. This is my life.

My oldest will welcome a new baby brother and I have the luxury of falling in love all over again. No matter what road I got on to get here nothing will change how I feel about my children. They are God’s gift. I only want to do my best to provide and care for my little loves for the rest of my life. Okay, time to get some shut eye … If and while I still can!

Angry Pregnant Ramblings

20140602-234422-85462618.jpg

Can someone please explain to me how anyone, man or woman, can stray away from responsibility? Until this day I could not even fathom that thought. This is a low blow for me to post these conversations but in all honesty, I am too angry to care at this point in time.

This person, if you could call him that, is out there to make me seem unfit and crazy, like I’m the one who was always going after him. He even had the audacity to say that I got pregnant on purpose to trap him into staying with me. There is absolutely nothing this guy could offer me that was tempting enough to impregnate myself and trap him. Dud.

It wasn’t a one night stand, it wasn’t a random hook-up. At least not on my end. I genuinely came to care for this person in the short time we dated. I was irresponsible and reckless. No condom. No precautions. My fault, indeed. I should have taken that extra step to care for my safety. So what the hell was I thinking? Point is, I wasn’t thinking.

Calling me names. Turning me into a psychotic fling. What good is that doing you? God sees ugly. My soul is clean. I clean my hands of this once and for all.

Untitled 01.17.11

I’m confused- I don’t know what to feel, how to act, or even what to say.
I am lost- I don’t know in which direction to go or even how to find my way.
My words are like dust in the wind with little affect on anything else around.
I lay alone and in silence, no one is by my side, not even a hint of sound.
You made me laugh and smile but there were times you’ve made me sad and cry.
Left alone only to wonder, why … just why.
You made me crazy – you made me want and need you more and more each day.
There wasn’t much I could do to change life’s course except to sit back and watch life play.
My walls were built so high up that my heart was caved in.
Opened, carefree, loving – all this and so much more that I should have been.
We shouldn’t judge based on a single mistake.
Instead we should be aware and fully awake.
A lot more lies within us, around us – so let’s focus on the good.
Let’s laugh and smile and enjoy all of life’s wonders, as we should.
Don’t give up on us, don’t walk away from me.
Because with you is the only place is want to be …