Athanasios T.

And if this were to end here, I’d like to thank you for the little victories.

I’ve been feeling as if you’re distancing yourself from me lately. And I know as soon as I say something about it I will get backlash like, why are you so insecure, crazy, and unstable?

The things you did, the simple little things, from the beginning you don’t do anymore. What has changed in a few days’ time? When you were still just trying to occupy my mind and time you were ALL OVER IT; texts would pour in and you’d want to see me and spend time with me. Now it seems like it’s all me. I say I miss you and get nothing in return. No smile, no reply, you’re quiet the entire night. Was that when it all started? I’ve never been one to play games and make the other person miss me purposefully … I would never do someone like that. I guess everyone is different and we all want and need different things. I really liked you. And I was hoping you’d be the one I could talk to about everything and nothing; someone who would wake me up with hello’s and always end the night telling me sweet dreams. It’s sad that I wait on it and it doesn’t even happen. I try not to bombard you with texts and calls … but now I guess I will just back off this track. You said you weren’t like the others but in a way, you’re almost worse; you held my hand into this butterfly dream only to drag my heart into the dirt. I thought and though that maybe there was something I did along the way but I’m done with that. No matter what the issue is, everything could and should be talked about. There was no excuse for your sudden departure from the present and new residency into Ghost Town.

I will no longer make up excuses for anyone who does me wrong. You lost me with this. I am both sad and angry but most of all I feel disappointment. You are cunning and manipulative and I fell for every kiss, every word, and every gesture. I know what I am willing to accept and this is not it. I am worth so much more than this.

In the short journey that you made a presence in my life I was happy, so, for that I thank you. For the good times we shared, the beauty in the romance, and the endearing words you once gave me, I thank you. I won’t let your ignorance ruin those moments for me.

Please don’t toy with anyone else’s emotions; feelings are a fragile bunch.

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Is Your Conscience Clear

Are your intentions pure? If I did to you, what you are doing to me, will you be all right? Are you respectful towards me? Is your conscience clear?

How does one go about setting standards for others?

I don’t think we can. We are all given individual brains with our own ways to think. No two people are ever exact; not our DNA, not the way we think, not even the way we feel. Sometimes we just have to allow a person the freedom of doing things without having to set a specific standard.

Someone who has every intention of doing right by you will always do right by you whether or not you are around and whether or not they are told to do so.

You should never have to tell a person how to love. The way they love others and the way they love you should always be up to them. You do not hold the power to dictate a person’s heart. It isn’t fair, nor is it wise. We should coexist in one another’s’ vibes and we will thrive if and when it is meant.

Keep your conscience clear even if you have doubt someone else’s. At the end of the day, you have to put up with you for the rest of your life. People come and go, even if it is momentarily, and what we feel about a person may change from one day to the next. How we feel about ourselves and our choices is what makes or breaks us. Put good into this world and it will come back, I promise.

Karma always finds her way around, believe me.

It Is In The Journey

It is not about the destination but, rather, the journey itself.

We live in a world that tells us what deadlines to meet and what end goals we should greet. We get so wrapped up in this constant need to go somewhere, get somewhere. We forget about the road we take, the paths we groove for ourselves. The best memories lie within those very steps. The good, the bad, and the ugly; we should appreciate it all. Every gut wrenching mishap, every tear jerking obstacle, and every sunlit smile; appreciate it all. Let go of the thought of a destination and pay attention to the journey along the way. I promise you, it is worth every emotion.

One day at a time. Effort is the key to everything. [Never] forget that you are the curator of your journey. Be good to yourself along the way.

I have met some very amazing people in this journey through life, especially, after I let go of ALL things wearing me down. It took me a very long time to feel comfort within my own skin. It took me even longer to accept myself for who I truly am. Release all the negative energy you feel has taken precendence in your life. Breathe. Slowly exhale all that wears you down. Let your spirit flow freely with nature and soak in all the positive vibes the Universe has to offer.

Enjoy your journey. Bask in all the glory, and even the not so glorious, that life will offer.

Awakening

July 27, 2018 we will witness the Full Moon, a Lunar Eclipse, and Mars. This is the longest total lunar eclipse of our century. This Full Moon will bring about spiritual change for many of us, whether it is wanted or needed. Keep your chakras aligned and listen to what the Universe is trying to send you. This is a spiritual awakening.

This Lunar Eclipse is highly influenced by Mars, bringing about an emotional uproar.

Pay close attention to your emotions, intimate relationships, and social life as we embark on a full moon this Friday. This is a time to focus your energy on your lack, your wants, your needs, and your abundance. Look deeper into your own spiritual growth and see how much you have changed or are willing to. This is a good time to wake up from your third eye slumber.

The Universe gives us everything we give it, believe it or not. You put energy into this world to receive it tenfold. Karma. Sweet, sweet cosmic karma. Live by it. Learn from it.

Allow yourself to feel the energies flowing through this Earth. Don’t close yourself off.

Have you noticed a shift of energy in your life lately? What do you notice when you’re angry, happy, or sad? Recognize patterns and control your reactions. Awaken your sensitivity.

What are your plans for this Full Moon?

I want to touch the grass and soil with my bare feet and dance under the moonlight as I think deeply about all my emotions and where I’d like for them to take me. Think your most wonderful thoughts into existence.

Sincerely, My

I Have Issues, You Have Them Too

I felt too much as he felt too little. I wore my heart upon my sleeve only to get burned in the end.

I have real issues about analyzing and then some more overanalyzing. When I get these thoughts in my head and the wheel starts turning, it is so hard to turn it off. I hate the unknown and I hate not knowing. My problem is more systematic than symptomatic. Past traumas have shaped my way of thinking and poisoned my brain. I am still learning to let go, still …

My poison is my overactive brain and my fast beating heart.

I have confidence in myself. I have confidence in my own love. I have trust in my heart. Though there are times when I find myself overanalyzing the simple things, I have never, and will never, find myself questionin my own heart. I don’t regret the love I give now nor the love I’ve given in the past that has been taken completely for granted. I believe that love can win every time. I believe in myself.

We all have demons we are fighting with. Truth be told, many of us may be fighting the same demons. Insecurities lie beneath all of us and some of us hide it better than others. No one is above anyone else, we just go about our business differently.

Find the light within yourself and focus on making it brighter. Don’t rely on anyone else for your own happiness and know that your issues will never define who you are as a person as long as you remind yourself that you are greater than it.

Honeymoon Phase, Maybe

The honeymoon phase is usually known as the first couple of months of a new relationship in which everything is still viewed in a positive light. Everyone is still very happy and care-free during this “phase.”

Usually, “too good to be true,” is indeed true.

I have been dating since I was twelve. Early, I know. What did I know then? Absolutely nothing. My first real life relationship happened when I was about 18 and it was awful. From that 18-year-old moment until now I have only had a handful of serious relationships. To be exact, there were a total of maybe one and a HALF real relationships that I have personally been in. How sad.

Every person is different, this is true. Happiness means different things to different people. I am not above perfection for I have my flaws. I used to think that my loving too hard was a flaw or defect of some sort. I used to think this becuase there were people unworthy of my love receiving it. Not anymore. I have spent years pondering the meaning behind my own happiness. What makes My smile? What makes my heart sing with glee? How do I feel when …? The self questioning would go on and on.

I have recently put all of my worries aside. I took a crazy leap and actually went on a date with someone I spent only a few hours texting with. I was nervous, scared. But that leap took me to a new level of happiness. I honestly have not felt this accepted and this wanted by another human being who wasn’t family. He wanted more than just my body. He starves my ego and he feeds my soul. The wavelengths of our minds connect on a much higher level than I have connected with anyone else. He brings to me a new level of comfort and it makes me smile.

He kisses me as he leans in speaking to me. He isn’t afraid to show me affection. The way he makes me feel is beyond pleasurable. He connects with my innermost self. I have spent every moment with him possible and I can’t get enough.

My fear has always been whether I am doing too much or too little. He tells me to do whatever I am most comfortable with – no force. I move within my own speed and he matches every step. More than content, I am happyI want this to be more than a honeymoon phase. I just want this to be. Wish my happiness into existence and it will be.

To others this may very well be my honeymoon phase … I’m hoping this is just life.

Hello, Is It Me You’re Looking For?

For so long I have been searching for the me I thought I knew.

Have you ever pondered for so long about who you are as a person? What makes me so special and unique? What separates me from them? Who am I as a person or individual? Where do I begin and us start? I’m beginning to wonder if I ever really knew myself at all. Does anyone ever know anyone, especially one’s own self?

I remember when my father used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I mean, that was such a normal question to ask young kids; what do you want to be when you grow up? I’m pretty sure I had a different answer every few years. When I was five I wanted to be a Nun. When I was seven I wanted to be a teacher. When I was ten I wanted to be a lawyer. When I was 12 I was so sure I wanted to be a nurse. At the age of 15 I wanted to pursue a career in Journalism. By age 20 I wanted to be on American Idol but was always too stage frightened to actually go. Now, on my last few months to the journey of 30, I am struck again with the question, what do I want to become?

Most people my age seem to have their lives in order, right?  People my age have spouses, children, a house, and a 401K, right? Somewhere in America there are people my age who are still trying to figure this whole life thing out, right? Someone please tell me I am not alone in all of this thinking.

I have friends who have kids and they still find time to go to the clubs at night or have brunch in the middle of the day. I have friends who bar hop every friday and saturday night as if that is a normal thing to do. I have friends who go on regular dates to the salon to get their hair and nails done like it is just a simple sip of water. No care in the air. It is just so easy for those friends of mine.

I work six, if not seven, days in the week. I travel to the grocery store more than any other travel. I have a mortgage. I have a vehicle that I proudly own. I have two beautiful kids who fill my heart and loosen my wallet. I work to make ends’ meet and keep my family afloat. Somehow, though, I keep asking myself if there is more for me.

Untitled Thoughts (pt 1)

I often sit and wonder if it is me
The reason for the distance
The reason for the withdrawal
Somehow I always find a way to take the fall

Last night I sat and pictured
The ups and downs of love
The ins and outs of me
And how I don’t fit in with this society

Today I tear myself down
The flaws I have tried hide
The imperfections of my pride
Because to no one am I bound

My Moment of Truth

Before I begin, I must warn you about the raw material you are about to indulge in. There will be explicit content and 100% real emotions. 

Sigh … where do I even begin? Should I take you back to five years ago when my ex cheated on me, pregnant with his child, with some older chick named Denise? I feel like that is where my whole love life got screwed over. That whole ordeal really fucked with my mindset.  And now he is happily married and I am still looking for love. Funny how that shit works, huh?

Here goes my story … 

Seven years ago, I was pregnant with my first child. I was thrilled and scared and anxious to be a mother. The father, though, maybe took it a lot harder than I imagined. The moment we got the results from the pee-stick, he jolted to Denise’s house. He told me he had to go talk to his “boy” about it. He was stressed. No big deal, I thought. Wrong. 

He went to Denise and poured his heart to her. He wasn’t ready to be a dad. He will ask me for an abortion. He doesn’t want a part in this. I didn’t find out about any of this until later on when I confronted her at seven months pregnant. I was mortified. 

I wasn’t innocent in any of this, either, so don’t get me wrong. I got scared and ran back home to my family, four hours away. At this point he wanted to keep the baby, I think. He drove to my parents’ house and surprised me. We made love and I thought everything was going to work out. Until Denise decides to email me to tell me she was fucking my man. What a crazy ass bitch. I hated her. I despised her. Still do, I’m sure of it. 

Fast forward to April 2011 … my big boy was born and I was officially in love. I felt no love greater than the love he gave me. I stayed single because I wanted to focus on myself and my son. His dad took me to court for joint custody … and he made hot, passionate love to me after court. I thought we were going to get back together. He made it seem as though we would. August 2011 I will never forget how he made me feel from that day onwards. Lie after lie. Deceit after manipulation. Disgusting. 

But throughout the years we worked on our differences and became amicable for our son. Beautiful blended family. 

Now my second son’s father is a real asshole. How does anyone have children and not claim them? He denied my sweet little boy from the moment of my pregnancy. He decided to let me do all the hard work and try again when my son is a year and a half. He blames being incarcerated but we all know that he has no one to blame but himself. 

I sure know how to pick them, don’t I? 

Fast forward to recently, where I have been “talking to” this guy. And he just so happens to be in a long term relationship. He claims to be unhappy. He claims to have no intimacy with said girlfriend for nine long months now. How do I believe that? But somehow I do. I’m falling for him. Hard. And do you know who I see when I look in the mirror? Denise. Fucking bitch ass Denise is who I see. Isn’t this great?!

The person I hated so passionately is the person I see in myself right now. I have no reason being with someone who is living wtih another woman. But why? Why? Why the hell did I put myself in this position? Why did I fall for someone who is so unavailable to love me back openly? Some days I really feel like a horrible human being. Some days, like today, I feel like Denise. 

It’s been two months. Two months worth of everyday conversations. Two months worth of “I miss you” and “when will I see you again?” Two months worth of video chatting. Two months worth of text messages back and forth. But those two months is nothing compared to the years you’ve spent with her. And I cannot compare to that. 

I am a horrible human being. And I should hate myself for it. 

To Fall in Love With A Broken Man

Everyone we date has baggage. The real concern lies in whether we can accept those baggage or not. How committed do we want to be?

Women are known to be nurturers at heart. We tend to love on others before ourselves. I believe this is because we were genetically wired to carry children. Men, by definition, were made to be protectors and providers. They are strong, durable. The curves of a woman’s hips were intended to carry men’s children and the broad shoulders of a man were intended to carry the rest. But what happens when those broad shoulders are bruised, beaten, and unloved?

Far too often we hear about the broken woman. We focus on women’s weaknesses because it is something we can easily see with the naked eyes. Men are strong, remember? Men are resilient and nothing can break a man. Wrong. Men are allowed to feel weakness, too. They have all the rights in the world to feel as broken as we do. And often times, they do.

A man with baggage doesn’t mean he isn’t a “man” anymore; baggage does not simply take away a man’s masculinity. I believe a man who can show his softer sides is much more of a worthy man than one who promotes his manhood in an unhealthy, usually sexist, way. Kudos to all you broken men out there who continue to do what genetics has asked of you. Your weakness can also be seen as your strength.

If you, as a woman, love a man who isn’t whole at the moment … don’t give up. He needs you now more than ever. Sometimes we have to buck up and put those shoulders on for them. They won’t ask for help. Asking for help will be admitting defeat, admitting to a loss, and admitting to weakness. Do not abandon him in his hour of weakness. Have faith in your man because he will swing back around. Be the nurturer that you are. Love on him. Let him know that he can lean on you, too. Don’t give up on him …

We all hit a few bumps in the road now and again. That’s the beauty of life. Take the bad with the good. Always, and I mean always, think of your man as a direct reflection of you. What you put in, you get out.

Don’t abandon him. Don’t kick him when he’s down. Don’t de- masculine him.

Love on him. Pray with/for him. Believe in him.